No Teacher Left Behind
(A Modest Proposal
Apologies to Jonathan Swift)
It is a melancholy object to those who walk through the great schools in our country to see those in the abject profession known as teaching inhabiting classrooms.
These teachers, instead of being able to work for their honest livelihood, are forced to employ all their time juggling back and forth wasting their time herding disruptive students, fending off pushy know-it-all parents (or attempting to plead with others who seemingly could care less), and praying to Almighty God someone from administration doesn’t catch them veering away from the pacing calendar.
I think it is agreed by all that there should be better ways of utilizing years of knowledge and expertise other than babysitting, police action, avoidance of conflict and seamy politics. It is my humble intention to propose a groundbreaking piece of legislation entitled “No Teacher Left Behind.” Imagine it, if you can. Teachers freed from the tyranny of superfluous distractions. I would think a grateful nation would erect a statue to the preserver of our educational system!
But my intentions is very far from being confined to provide only for the children of the public school system; it is of much greater extent, and shall take in the whole number of school aged children.
As to my own part, having turned my thoughts for many years upon this important subject, and maturely weighed the several schemes of other projectors ala No Child Left Behind, I have always found them grossly mistaken in their optimism.
As with any other massive societal shift, to enact such a legislative tour de force will require a number of pieces to fall into place.
First, the ruling State Department of Education must be swept away in a coup to make way for a benevolent dictatorship headed by an Education Czar. Imagine the blessing of a political system without the distraction of opposing parties. Trains will run on time! Modern autobahns will be constructed! And think about the added living space….but I get ahead of myself.
The cost of such legislation will be mighty but this nation has endured financial and economic hardship in the past and shall again for the greater good of the State. Indeed, this legislation includes the right to fire up the Mint’s printing presses if necessary to pay whatever it takes to make this happen.
With no inflation of course.
School boards and administrators? Done away with. Imagine no political bickering about things like budgets, salary negotiations and site councils! No department meetings, no grade level meetings, no curriculum meetings, no staff meetings of any kind! Imagine there’s no heaven. It’s easy if you try.
Secondly, parents must be controlled. In no way should any parent be allowed to criticize the decisions of the great and powerful Czar. Certainly, education is too important to be left in the hands of the great unwashed. Such legislation will include license-to-breed documentation and, for those who refuse to obey, On Campus Suspension. I have a dream for the unrepentant parents, that Time Out Camps will be established on the salt-flats of the West Side where work shall make them free.
With political and parental distraction eradicated, I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.
Though it is generally agreed education would run much smoother without the burden of actually having children in the classroom, for the moment, it is a burden which must be borne. In an alternate universe, perhaps, no child would be left behind. But in this reality, you can’t make an omelet without breaking eggs.
Intelligence, will and drive will no longer be regarded as positive influences but rather subservience and the ability to follow simple commands will determine the future minds of the State. The all-knowing, all-powerful Education Czar will, in his infinite wisdom, be able to determine who can rise up the ranks of society to become future leaders.
State Tests are still needed to determine a child’s future. If the child is able to read the test and mark the correct answer, that child is expelled to provide much needed labor in our burgeoning factories and collective farms.
College? A waste of money when most of the population will be needed for glorious agrarian work assignments. Title IX? Abolished. Who needs such a rule when women are needed to give birth, cook and clean for future generations of loyal followers?
You dissent? After all, I am not so violently bent up on my own opinion as to reject any other offer, which will be as effective.
But before something of that kind shall be advanced in contradictions to my scheme, I desire the author or authors consider these two points:
Firstly, has the current educational system produced such a brave new world where all humanity marches in unison to a single drummer? Surely there is a desire for such an educational Pax Americana isn’t there?
Secondly, such an educational program will certainly endure for at least a thousand years with its universal cooperation, wise ruling and swift justice.
I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I don’t have the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the public good of the educational community.
And my daughter is no longer in the public school system.
(A Modest Proposal
Apologies to Jonathan Swift)
It is a melancholy object to those who walk through the great schools in our country to see those in the abject profession known as teaching inhabiting classrooms.
These teachers, instead of being able to work for their honest livelihood, are forced to employ all their time juggling back and forth wasting their time herding disruptive students, fending off pushy know-it-all parents (or attempting to plead with others who seemingly could care less), and praying to Almighty God someone from administration doesn’t catch them veering away from the pacing calendar.
I think it is agreed by all that there should be better ways of utilizing years of knowledge and expertise other than babysitting, police action, avoidance of conflict and seamy politics. It is my humble intention to propose a groundbreaking piece of legislation entitled “No Teacher Left Behind.” Imagine it, if you can. Teachers freed from the tyranny of superfluous distractions. I would think a grateful nation would erect a statue to the preserver of our educational system!
But my intentions is very far from being confined to provide only for the children of the public school system; it is of much greater extent, and shall take in the whole number of school aged children.
As to my own part, having turned my thoughts for many years upon this important subject, and maturely weighed the several schemes of other projectors ala No Child Left Behind, I have always found them grossly mistaken in their optimism.
As with any other massive societal shift, to enact such a legislative tour de force will require a number of pieces to fall into place.
First, the ruling State Department of Education must be swept away in a coup to make way for a benevolent dictatorship headed by an Education Czar. Imagine the blessing of a political system without the distraction of opposing parties. Trains will run on time! Modern autobahns will be constructed! And think about the added living space….but I get ahead of myself.
The cost of such legislation will be mighty but this nation has endured financial and economic hardship in the past and shall again for the greater good of the State. Indeed, this legislation includes the right to fire up the Mint’s printing presses if necessary to pay whatever it takes to make this happen.
With no inflation of course.
School boards and administrators? Done away with. Imagine no political bickering about things like budgets, salary negotiations and site councils! No department meetings, no grade level meetings, no curriculum meetings, no staff meetings of any kind! Imagine there’s no heaven. It’s easy if you try.
Secondly, parents must be controlled. In no way should any parent be allowed to criticize the decisions of the great and powerful Czar. Certainly, education is too important to be left in the hands of the great unwashed. Such legislation will include license-to-breed documentation and, for those who refuse to obey, On Campus Suspension. I have a dream for the unrepentant parents, that Time Out Camps will be established on the salt-flats of the West Side where work shall make them free.
With political and parental distraction eradicated, I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.
Though it is generally agreed education would run much smoother without the burden of actually having children in the classroom, for the moment, it is a burden which must be borne. In an alternate universe, perhaps, no child would be left behind. But in this reality, you can’t make an omelet without breaking eggs.
Intelligence, will and drive will no longer be regarded as positive influences but rather subservience and the ability to follow simple commands will determine the future minds of the State. The all-knowing, all-powerful Education Czar will, in his infinite wisdom, be able to determine who can rise up the ranks of society to become future leaders.
State Tests are still needed to determine a child’s future. If the child is able to read the test and mark the correct answer, that child is expelled to provide much needed labor in our burgeoning factories and collective farms.
College? A waste of money when most of the population will be needed for glorious agrarian work assignments. Title IX? Abolished. Who needs such a rule when women are needed to give birth, cook and clean for future generations of loyal followers?
You dissent? After all, I am not so violently bent up on my own opinion as to reject any other offer, which will be as effective.
But before something of that kind shall be advanced in contradictions to my scheme, I desire the author or authors consider these two points:
Firstly, has the current educational system produced such a brave new world where all humanity marches in unison to a single drummer? Surely there is a desire for such an educational Pax Americana isn’t there?
Secondly, such an educational program will certainly endure for at least a thousand years with its universal cooperation, wise ruling and swift justice.
I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I don’t have the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the public good of the educational community.
And my daughter is no longer in the public school system.
Posts
4 comments:
Such biting commentary! I do believe Jonathon Swift is turning over in his grave!!
Bob
And here I thought I did him justice. Thanks for the comment. I write to fit my mood. Thankfully, I'm usually in a much better mood and write with a lighter tone.
Very biting! I liked the commentary!
Thank you ghost. I kind of liked it too.
Post a Comment